RateYourBurn | Class review of Akin Akman at SoulCycle

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SoulCycle with Akin Akman @ SoulCycle
The Rolls Royce Caviar Cartier of Instructors

by BirkinXanax on October 18, 2013

Akin Akman is the creme de la creme of instructors and his class strikes the perfect combination of a deep spiritual connection of the mind body spirit and feeling like you are at the VIP table at LAVO getting sprayed in Dom Perignon covered in 50 plus instagram likes.

Upon the entrance of the studio replete with glittery women who’s asses tighter than FDA regulations for Diet Pills, it is quite possible that unlike Narcotics Anonymous, I have found the cult that is right for me.
On the brink of my third hospitalization for chronic kleptomania at Bergdorf’s sautéed in an ambien addiction replete with light terrorist funding, I have come to the painstaking realization that I am vapid, vapid enough to contemplate my existence all the way to soul cycle, where narcissism, spirituality and hot bodies come together in glitter, Jay Z and money.
I realize I am just like every other jappy hair-brushed-daddy-financed-manicured-hotel hopping pill popping- adderal dependent-lazy rich kid slut who is just trying to crush the glass ceiling and never work again.  Unless by work I mean waking up at 1 Pm St. Tropez time for the photo shoot as Whore number 5 on Vanity Fair's list of skinniest women who advocate literacy in 3rd world countries and look good in Balmain.
I Digress
Akin Akman's class is like seeing God, and yes, it is wildly entertaining to see my likeminded  alcoholic bulimic manic whores claw for the man who can only be described as the 2nd coming (pun intended) with a body that should be illegal -and I thought I was only turned on by stock portfolios and Dom Perignon,
I would just like to tell you biker bebs to get your tiger game faces on as I will be seen at every one of his classes to seek out my competition hashtag do you want to do drugs in the bathroom before class?
Akin makes me believe in myself and in a competitive  city where self loathing, eating disorders and manic bi polar depressives are rampant,  his class makes you forget all the drama of your ex husband, your therapist, your drug dealer, your amex miles and focus on making him love you and thus makes you perform for him for the eternity of the class. His arms section is what I imagine Guantanamo Bay is in Spring, but I will with my whole gin soaked soul heartedly take torture over cellulite.
Akin has is a rare quality of being an authentic instructor with a terrifying cult following yet  itseems to not let this effect his erudite and loving disposition. He  has the purest heart who truly believes that you can do it and potentially make out after class.

  • Akin Akman November 13, 2013

    This is amazing. You had me laughing like crazy! You should definitly become a writer/ im a bit worried about the "drugs in the bathroom" dont do it...!? thank you for this review and i am so happy you enjoy class! haha make out after class? hmmm new form of motivation... ?...

  • SweatPump December 13, 2013

    Jesus. Dr strange and Dr talent over here and MY GOD YOUR WRITING SCARES ME AND I LOVE IT!

In the clear
Full house
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